I know it’s been awhile since my last column here on BANG, but the past several months have been pretty rough on ol’ Father Dick. That’s because the good Father has been pursuing the Craigslist personals again. This invariably gets yer Father into trouble of one kind or another, and this time was no exception. OK, OK, you are wondering why a virtual priest like me, Father Dick, is foraging among the hoi polloi in the CL personals. Well, I can understand that. And I just want to confirm your other thought, i.e. that Father Dick could never find someone stupid enough to respond to a virtual man o’ the cloth on Craigslist.  So, yes, there isn’t much demand for Father Dick in the CL personals…until I found a special section that seemed promising…”Lost Sheep Seeking Shepherds.” Therein appeared the following ad, which Father Dick ministered unto:

“My name is Champange, [sic—Father Dick overlooks spelling errors when the rest of the package conforms to the other nine Commandments] an exotic doll ready to break the ice. Well, my name pretty much says it all. I need some help [no problem, spelling is Father Dick’s strong suit]....”I am very passionate, love pampering my man, love to cuddle and have some fun under the sheets; I especially love being spanked, having my toes sucked hard and being bitten. I offer the ultimate GFE for the discerning shepherd who is seeking his ATF. Bareback included! NHB.

“I am a curvy Brazillian (sic)/Creole woman. I know how to treat my papi when he is good and can show you a wild time. I am a good listener so if you are having a bad day at your parish and need someone to vent to, then I am your girl. If you need a nice back massage or a FBSM I am your girl. If you just need to be pampered and need a break from the nuns. I am your girl.

“Give me a call; I would love to hear from you. “

Amen. Father Dick wasn’t sure what all those capital letters meant, but the parts he did understand sounded pretty good. So father (or papi as the case may be) decided to hook up with Champange. We called the number at the bottom of her ad. She was very sweet over the phone, and promised to meet us with open arms-- wearing the proper vestments-- at the Papa Doc Motel, just outside the city limits.

Now that we think about it, suffice it to say that the small Father Dick was doing the thinking for the big Father Dick. In hindsight it is pretty clear that three months of non-stop retreats in Humbolt County positing our exegesis had altered my reality. And all the after hours ministering to plazoids in downtown Arcata didn’t help either…too much green bud went into the donations sack. This, dear reader, was the deck Father Dick as dealing with when he agreed to meet with Champange during Lent.

The Papa Doc Motel was located in a very needy part of a town that needed ministering to on San Pablo Blvd. Champange was waiting at the door as she had promised.

Champange towered over Father Dick with an Amazonian physique, but adding to her dizzying height were four-inch stiletto heels. She reminded Father Dick of one of the Canamints in that Twilight Zone episode where super tall aliens come down in a hokey flying saucer and fatten people up so they can take them back to their home planet and eat them. That episode was called “To Serve Man” and that’s just what Father Dick was hoping would happen at any moment there at the Papa Doc Motel.

Anyhoo, Champange (btw: she pronounced it Shar-day). Anyhoo, Champange was wearing a nun’s habit and a see through fish net sort of bodice that facilitated a visual inspection of the rosary beads snuggled between her catechisms…which were 38 DDs I might add. Never had this father seen such catechisms on a nun, however, the thrill was tempered mightily by the cat-o-nine tails she snapped at Father Dick’s derriere as he entered.

The cat-o-nine tails was for our shared penance, as was the offering she requested. Sorry to say that our penance was never meted out, due to LE (law enforcement) officers who broke down the door and arrested us. They claimed Father Dick was soliciting, and that Sister Champange was performing a lewd act. Oh the horror.

Thankfully, the ACLU has picked up Father Dick’s case. In an interview with Geraldo on his popular syndicated show “Geraldo at Large”, I presented our defense: separation of church and state. We’re having Jimmy Swaggart and Pat Robertson testify on our behalf. Actually, Geraldo is a lot shorter in real life than he looks on TV. The Fox network says I might be able to get my own show. They already came up with a name: Get Down with Father Dick. Our first guest will be Paris Hilton, who considered a career as a nun prior to her porn video, which, sad to say, changed her life forever.

Note: Father Dick does not condone unsafe religious activity. That means always use a condom.